3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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