I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
