I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
