Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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