***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
