Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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