Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
