I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
