Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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