Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
