Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
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Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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