who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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