I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
