Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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