ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
