I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
