please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
