Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
