This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
