I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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