Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
