my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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