so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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