you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
