I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
