Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
