Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
