I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
