if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
