i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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