when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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