oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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