have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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