My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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