I smell stomach acid.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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