Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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