So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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