Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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