my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
