you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
