I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
so much tequila, so little girl.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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