he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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