the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
