You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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