Banned from zoo.
Again?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
