On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
