Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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