I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
