So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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