The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
