Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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