why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize