Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
