My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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