I puked a lego.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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