you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
