we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
