I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
