She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
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The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......