I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.