dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
