Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
