He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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