She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
