the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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