I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
